"Push!"

"AHHH!"

"We're gonna need you to push harder Mrs. Jackson," said the doctor.

She turned to her husband in desperation. "Michael, I can't do it. I can't...."

Tears were running down her face and sweat was sprouting on her brow. He dabbed her forehead with a towel and moved the strands of hair that stuck to it.

"Baby, I know it hurts but you gotta push. Just hold my hand and push really hard okay?" He said as he kissed her forehead.

She took hold of his hand and pushed with all of her might.

"AHHHH!!!"

"Alright, that's it. The baby is out," said the doctor. He cut the cord and handed the baby to the nurses.

Natalie collapsed onto the hospital bed and breathed heavily.

There was silence in the room. She wasn't expecting it to be this silent.... Even the EKG machine was sucked up in the vacuum of silence.

She looked up at Michael who watched as the nurses wrapped up their baby in a pink blanket. Tears fell down his cheeks and onto his shirt collar but he kept his eyes locked on the infant. He was wearing a blue shirt. She'd picked out that shirt for him. It looked good on him but he preferred to wear red shirts because red was his favorite color.

Once they cleaned the baby up, they asked Michael if he would like to hold her. He nodded in a way which one would think he was hesitant but he held out his hands anyway and the nurse gently placed the baby into his arms.

Michael looked down at their baby. If anyone was unsuspecting they'd just think the baby was sleeping. She had the features of Natalie all over her face and even her dark black curls resembled Natalie's. It seemed that the only thing that their daughter had inherited from him was his nose. Michael stroked her cheek. It was soft. He couldn't help himself but to cry.

He leaned down and placed a kiss on the infant's forehead and whispered "If you come into this world knowing you are loved, everything in between can be dealt with...and although your 'in between' was short, I want you to know I love you".

Michael walked over to his wife and tried to hand the baby to her but Natalie refused. "Nat, don't you want to hold her?"

Natalie shook her head no and turned on her side. A tear made it's way across the bridge of her nose an onto the pillow. "That is not my daughter. It's just a dead baby..."

"Natalie..." Michael said, appalled by his wife's choice of words.

He was about to say more but the doctor took hold of his shoulder. "Mr. Jackson, sometimes it's hard on the mother when it comes to these kind of situations. This is a common reaction, just let her grieve in her own way..."

Michael bit his lip in frustration then looked down at the beautiful baby girl in his arms. His eyes began to well with tears again and he held the infant closer to him.

A few moments passed and a nurse placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Mr. Jackson...we should begin testing now."

Natalie and Michael had agreed to let the doctors perform an autopsy to determine why their baby had died but Michael couldn't bring himself to let go.

He finally mustered up the courage to place the baby into the nurse's arms, kissing the child's head before he did.

The nurse gave him an empathetic smile and walked out of the room with the doctor.

Michael sighed and sat in the chair next to his wife's bed. He looked over at her and watched as her body moved up and down as she breathed.

The room was filled with silence. Silent tears. Silent thoughts. Silent silence...

Everything was silent....

The rain smeared her makeup as it ran down her face. Although her family repeatedly suggested that she use an umbrella, she stubbornly refused. She stood stoically. The small box seemed even smaller now that it was being lowered into the Earth. She contemplated whether or not she should jump in the hole and pry open the coffin, hoping to see a confused but bouncing baby girl within it. She felt as if this was some kind of sick joke.

The autopsy showed nothing medically wrong with their baby. She just died. Just like that. The doctor said it was a medical mystery. Natalie called it bullshit.

They did everything right.

They fell in love, got married, obtained stable jobs in which they could support another mouth to feed, bought a house...they did everything.

Yet it all went to shit.

"Ashes to ashes – dust to dust"

*
*
*

It was around eight in the morning and Michael was getting ready for work. He was trying to dress extra professional because he was going to ask his boss for a raise. The miscarriages and the stillbirth had taken a toll on them economically - their insurance didn't cover miscarriages or stillbirths - so hopefully a raise could relieve them of the high hospital bills.

Natalie had taken some time off from work at the office and was leaning against the dresser and watched as Michael got dressed. He was just in his underwear and an undershirt.

She observed him as he slipped on his white long-sleeved shirt. He peered into the full body mirror as he buttoned it up. Then he reached for his tie and swept it across his neck and tied it into a neat Windsor knot. He picked up his slacks from the bed and put them on leaving the zipper unzipped, tucking in the shirt tail and zipping up his pants. Mike did everything in such an elegant way. It was like he was a dancer for his movements were so perfunctorily fluid.

"Baby, can you hand me my black belt from the drawer?" he asked, not taking his focus from the mirror.

Natalie turned around and opened the top drawer. She walked across the room and handed it to him.

As she turned to walk away, he gently grabbed her hand and pulled her in for a quick peck on the lips and gave her a smile. "Ya know, today I'll be home around six so we could go out tonight and have some fun. That new karaoke bar opened up on Evensdale. Remember how we used to sing? We could go there and show them how it's done."

"Maybe." She said as she faked a smile back and he knew "maybe" meant "no", but he didn't say anything about it.

"Mike?"

Her voice almost seemed foreign because he hadn't heard her say his name in so long.

"Yeah?"

She stepped closer to him with a big smile and gave him a deep, passionate kiss.

When she pulled back, Michael was dumbfounded and breathless. "Woah, where did that come from?"

"I don't know, but I want to do it again." She pulled him in for another kiss and as she kissed him her hand rubbed his crotch outside of his slacks. She felt him reacting to her and wanted to feel his flesh. Natalie reached for his zipper but was soon stopped by his big hand. She pulled away from the kiss with frustration.

"W-wait baby, I can't. If I want to get this raise, it would be wise of me to get to work early."

"But I wanna try again."

"What?" Michael said as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"This time we'll get it right. I just know it." She continued undoing his trousers and tried to pull them down but Michael restricted her.

"Nat, please stop."

"Mike, come on. We have to try!" She began to get frustrated and desperately jerked at his pants.

"Natalie stop!" Michael grabbed her hands from his waist and held them tightly.

"Natalie, what has gotten into you! We can't just try again; our baby just died and you wanna try again like this is some type of game? Well I can't do that and I won't do that. You're my wife, dammit! We need to go through this together. I'm sick and tired of you ignoring me and acting like nothing ever happened. It hurts me that we lost our baby and it hurts me that you had to go through labor and be met with nothing but heartbreak but what hurts me the most is that you won't talk to me. It's like I'm living with a stranger."

His voice began to crack as he said his last words. He searched her eyes for something – anything, but sadly there was nothing.

She looked at him with no emotion.

He shook her. "Say something Natalie!"

A tear fell from his eye. He wiped it away, letting go of her. He finished getting ready and walked to the door. Before he left, he stopped and said, "I'll see you after work."

She stood there in the silence of their bedroom; a sound she knew all to well.

*
*
*

The familiar sound of telephone rings and people tapping away at their keyboards invaded Michael's ears when he arrived at the office. The added pressure of asking for a raise made everything seemed louder today. Michael took in a deep breath before he walked into Mrs. Eileen Mason's office.

"Good Morning Mrs. Mason." he greeted.

"Morning Mr. Jackson. Come on in and have a seat." Michael unbuttoned his blazer and smoothed down his tie before sitting down. When Michael sat down, Mrs. Mason smiled at him. "What can I do for you today?"

He cleared his throat before he spoke. "Mrs. Mason, I have been working at this company for quite some time now and you could look at my file or just ask anybody in the office and they'll tell you that I'm one of your hardest working employees. With that being said, I believe I deserve a raise. I'm not asking for too much, but any little bit could help. As you may know my wife and I recently lost a child, and it isn't the first time. The losses have really taken a toll on us financially and a raise would really help us. If you could find it in your heart to give me a raise, I - we would be nothing but grateful."

She gave him a look that said This hurts me more than it hurts you. A look all bosses seemed to master before they gave bad news.

"Michael, my heart goes out to you and your wife, but the money doesn't come from my heart; it comes from the company and we just don't have the money right now to give you a raise. I'm so sorry. You're correct; you are one of my best employees and trust me, when our company has a better year, you will be the first person to get a raise."

Michael smiled at Mrs. Mason. "Thank you for your time ma'am." Although he was smiling, he felt like complete and utter crap behind the façade. He nodded once at her, lifted himself up from the chair, and walked out of her office.

Before entering his office, Michael stopped at his assistant's desk. "Nicole, can you please reschedule all my meetings for today and schedule them for tomorrow? Also, I don't want any calls unless it's my wife."

"Sure thing Mike, you all right?" She could sense that something was wrong. She'd been his assistant ever since he'd started working at the company seven years ago and they were the closest people in the whole building. It would be a lie if she said she didn't have feelings for him.

"Yeah Nic, I'm fine. I just need a moment." Michael half smiled, walked into his office and shut the door.

After she rescheduled his meetings, Nicole got up and went into Michael's office.

"Mike?" she said as she entered the room. "Is everything all–" she stopped mid sentence.

When he looked up to see who it was, she was surprised to see his face. His eyes were red and puffy, his face was streaked with tears. There was a freshly open bottle of red wine on his desk; next to it, a decent sized wine glass of which had some of the sanguine drink inside it but from the streak patterns on the inside of the glass, a few sips had been taken. Nobody knew it, except her, but lately Michael had been keeping various alcoholic beverages hidden in his office. It had gotten to the point that she'd had to cover for him a few times because he was noticeably drunk.

Nicole closed the door behind her and made her way over to him. She sat on his desk, carefully so she would knock anything over. "Mike, talk to me. What's going on?"

"I'm fine," he said before finishing off his glass.

"No you're not–"

"God damn it Nicole, I said I'm fine!" He reached for the bottle and prepared to pour himself another glass but Nicole gently placed her hands on top of his as if to say "no". His bottom lip quivered then the tears started again. He rolled his chair closer to her and placed his head on her lap. She stroked his hair to calm him.

"Am I a bad person Nic?" he asked through a broken tear-strained voice.

"Of course not." she replied.

"Then why do bad things keep happening to me? My wife and I lost our babies - I'm not even sure that I'll even get to be a father; I didn't get the raise, and my wife won't talk to me and I'm pretty sure I'm losing her."

She picked his head up and grabbed his chin so that he was looking up at her. "Look here; you are an amazing man and you will be an amazing father. Don't worry, your time will come. You also deserved that raise. If Margret Mason could afford that new Mercedes Benz, she could find some money to give you a damn raise. And even though it feels really hard right now, you and Nat will get through whatever you guys are going through and you'll come out of it stronger."

"Thank you Nic, I really needed that." They stood up and hugged. When they pulled back, arms still around each other, their eyes lingered on each other's for a millisecond too long. She reached up and kissed him on the lips, regretting it immediately.

"I-I'm so sorry, that was unprofessional of me," she tried to escape his embrace but he held her tighter in his arms.

"Don't be." He moved a strand of her brown hair from her face and cupped her jaw, bringing her up for another kiss. This time it was deeper. So much so that she could barely breathe when he pulled away. Their lips were centimeteres apart and their eyes gazed into each other's.

"Michael, we should stop."

"We should, shouldn't we?" He lifted her onto his desk and kissed her again.

*
*
*

The guilt clung to him like a bad odor. He could barely turn the house key to open the door. His feet felt heavy as they walked up the stairs and into their bedroom.

She was sitting at her boudoir putting the finishing touches on some mascara. She was wearing that red dress he loved so much. By the bed, he saw a pair of heels she'd chosen to wear for the night. When she spotted him in the reflection of the mirror, she looked up and smiled.

"How was work?"

Michael furrowed his eyebrows. This new behavior was so strange to him. It'd been a long time since she'd asked that. "It was...disappointing. I didn't get the raise."

Natalie finished dabbing some lipstick on her lips then got up and walked over to him. "I know." She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

"How'd you know?" His arms wrapped around her as well and he squeezed her tight.

"You didn't call to tell me the good news. You're like a little kid with a secret when it comes to you and good news- you get all giddy and excited. It's cute. But it's okay, we can get by without the raise. I'm going back to work soon so that should help some. Don't worry about it anymore."

"Nat, are you alright?"

She bit her lip then replied to him. "You were right. I've been shutting you out and it's not fair. We both went through losses and we should've been going through this together." Tears began to fill her eyes and she inwardly scolded herself for getting teary after she'd just finished doing her makeup. "I don't want to lose you Mike but I'm warning you, there's gonna be some rough days before it ever gets to how it used to be. Just no matter what happens, promise me that you won't give up on me." By now she was looking up at him with streaks of black running down her face and he was looking down at her with tears streaking his face as well.

"I promise baby, I promise."

They embraced and just held each other right for a moment. When they finally released each other, Nat let out a little giggle. "Well, I'm gonna refresh my makeup and you can take a shower and get ready - that's if you still wanna go to that karaoke bar?"

"Of course."

*
*
*
*

That night they had fun. They received rounds after rounds of applause from the bar. Michael couldn't remember the last time he saw Natalie so happy and it warmed his heart with the purest form of love. It was like they were falling in love with each other all over again.

When they came home, they made love. It wasn't forced; there was no pressure that they had to make a baby. It had been so long since they just made love to each other without a purpose other than pleasure. There was a certain hunger for each other that hadn't went away. It was this passionate hunger that filled their love with spontaneity. They got lost in each other yet they found a piece of themselves in one another all at the same time.

Wet kisses replaced tears, screams of pleasure replaced screams of anger, deep thrusts satisfied longing, breathy whispers of "I love you" replaced harsh outbursts of "I hate you".