Date: Feb 13, 2014 08:51 pm Title: Chapter 1
This could be a pretty good story if you really worked on somethings. Adding detail to the story really helps the flow. This story doesn't flow very well because the sentences are very simple and seem rushed. Pronoun use is important. Instead of starting every sentence off with Michael Jackson try using the pronoun He. It can be tiring for both the writer and the reader when pronouns are not used. As another reviewer mentioned, sticking with one tense is very important because it confuses the reader when you switch tenses. Lastly, format is very important. Make sure you separate paragraphs so that it is easy for the reader to read. Bunched up words can be very burdensome on the eyes of the reader. Once you tackle these issues you will have an excellent story.
Author's Response:
Okay thank you very very much! I am sorry I do not speak very good English because I am from Slovakia but I will make the other chapters better! Thank you !
Date: Feb 13, 2014 08:10 pm Title: Chapter 1
What happen next?
Author's Response:
You will see !
Date: Feb 13, 2014 07:52 pm Title: Chapter 1
This needs some work. Make sure you proofread and spellcheck and all that good stuff. Plus you rushes into this which just confused us readers. This is a lot of jumbled stuff at once. Also, stick with one tense, you jumped from past to present a lot which made it very hard to read. So I'd suggest working on those factors before continuing. Nice start though.
Author's Response:
Ok thank you very much! I am from Slovakia and I am still learning English so I am very sorry !