I don’t even know what I’m doing here, to say the truth. I have no reason to. Maybe I really am desperate to have my heart slowly and painfully ripped out of my chest.

Who knows?

Because that’s what is going to happen today. I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to go through the whole day without bursting into tears. Not joyful tears, like my dear mother who can’t stop weeping, as the time gets nearer and nearer. Sad tears. Lonely tears.

Oh well. I guess this is it. This is really it. My little sister is getting married. I’m proud of her. I really am.

I would be happy for her, too. I would. If she wasn’t marrying the man I love. My best friend.

I sigh. And then I see him. He looks beautiful today. He always does, but today his glow is different. He looks like a prince. He isn’t too dressed up, he never liked that kind of stuff, but he looks elegant, beautiful. He’s wearing black dress pants, a red button up and a black blazer jacket. Along with those, he has on a black fedora, whose existence in his wardrobe I never quite understood, but it looked good nonetheless. Oh, and those damned penny loafers that he wears every single day. I smile to myself as I see that not even on his friggin’ wedding day he dares getting rid of his old ones and buying a new pair. And he still insists on wearing them with those damned white socks. I’ve told him time and time again that it is so tacky and somehow ridiculous to do that kind of match, considering today's fashion standards, but he keeps wearing them. He's so stubborn, you wouldn't believe it. That’s Michael, everybody!

He kinda wears them well, though. But I would never tell him that!

Oh my, he’s nervous.

He’s shifting from one foot to the other, and every once in a while he walks a little back and forth, only to end up where he began. That actually makes the corners of my lips lift slightly. He’s adorable like that.

You know, I kind of understand why he loves her and not me. I really do. She’s better than me, more beautiful and more talented. Also, more emotionally stable. She’s the perfect one of the bunch. And that’s why I am happy for them, in a way, because I know he is with a wonderful girl who deserves him. He’s one of a kind, and so is she.

Life is just a pretty fucking ironic shit. That’s what it is.

I decided to get up from my stool, right in the front row of seats, leaving my mother weeping in my Uncle Ronnie’s shoulder. I bend down to her level and kiss her cheek and give her a little smile before walking those couple feet, waving at Michael’s lovely mother and siblings along the way, until I got to him.

“You nervous?”, I softly asked him,  in a breath.

He turned to me and warmly smiled that gorgeous smile of his. That smile could light up a room, and that’s no overreaction of mine. Even his teeth are perfect. I love everything about this man. It’s like all his inner beauty and childlike spirit is reflected all over his beautiful face, and in his gorgeous deep brown eyes, and when he smiles… wow. When he smiles, I feel like the world stops, I feel like everything is going in slow motion around me. I feel under a spell.

“A little.”, he whispers quietly.

I nod and stare at him. He’s looking down at his feet, as he keeps shifting his weight from one to the other. I gently touch his shoulder, which makes him look at me. I take a deep and surprisingly shivery breath, and say, “I’m so proud of you, Mike. I really can’t believe this is it. This is your day. You’re no longer in the bachelor zone. Wow.”

“I can’t believe it myself.”, he softly giggles, “I’m just so… happy. I feel like this was meant to be – me and Lily. We are meant to be together, forever.”

I feel my throat tightening at his words and my heart sinking down to my stomach.

I can’t take this.

I look away, “That’s great. I wish you and my sister all the best.”

“Thanks.”, he mumbles shyly.

As I turn to walk back to my seat and sulk and bury myself in my own thoughts and disappointments, I feel him tug my arm. When I turn, he pulls me completely against my body and embraces me so very tightly, as if he really never wants to let me go, as if he just wants me right next to him forever.

I wish.

I breathe in his scent. I love his cologne. I bought it for him, actually, and he loved it so much that now that’s my gift for him every Christmas… or every couple of months, considering the fact that he wears tons of it per day.

Then, I feel one of his hands rubbing my back. I feel like crying right now; tears are already springing to my eyes. I hold them in. I can’t ruin his day, I have to be strong, for once. Seconds later, I feel his other hand on the nape of my neck, lovingly patting my head. Oh my…

This man gives the best hugs. But I don’t want affection now, because affection will only make me weak. And if I’m weak, I’ll burst in tears. We don’t want that.

I try to loosen his grip on me, but he only hugs me tighter, and then he whispers in my ear, “I love you, Mimi. You know that, right? You’ll forever be my best friend. No one will ever get in the way of that.”

“I love you so much more, Michael.”, I said in his neck. I said it with a lot of feeling, a lot of passion. Sometimes I do things like these, so that maybe, just maybe, he’ll notice me and look deep into my eyes like he always does and find something different from usual – love.

We broke away, and I could see he was teary-eyed. I gently touched his cheek, and that tear that a second ago was only threatening, was now definitely running gently down his cheek. He caressed my cheek too, and only then I felt the wetness on my face. I hadn’t even noticed that I was crying as well.

I instantly broke away from him, forcing his hands out of my skin. I wiped my face in a very non-lady-like fashion – tss, as if I ever do anything in a lady-like fashion --, and gently asked him, with a small nervous giggle, “Is my makeup ok? I bet it’s ruined.”

He smiled at me, affectionately, “No. It’s perfect. You look perfect.”

I blushed and looked away, “Well… I’ll leave you to it. Good luck.”

As I was turning, I heard him very faintly call out my name. I turned back to face him, and he looked right into my eyes. I feel hypnotized, in a trance. It’s incredible the effect this man has on me. No one has that kind of power, and no one will ever have.

He slowly looked me up and down, slowly taking in every detail of my garments. I felt really intimidated by that gesture. I felt that he was looking at me in a way he shouldn’t, and his eyes were stopping on places they should forbid themselves to. Though I really don’t have the free will to ask him what the hell he’s doing. I’m too weak under his gaze.

I mean, I don’t look all that great. I’m wearing this cream-colored skater dress. It has a wide neckline and a rosette mesh design to the upper part. It has a high and fitted waist and a double layered skirt. It’s a little elaborate, yeah, but it’s nothing compared to the many other girls here. What else is different in me? Uh, well… I’m wearing heels?

And I had my hair done. I had it straightened from its natural wild waves, and into this really cute side braid that goes all the way down to my chest.

Wow. As I’m recounting all this I can really see the change. I would never, ever do that on my day to day. That’s something for Lily, not Naomi.

“You look gorgeous.”, he finally says.

I softly smile. Though I’m adoring the attention, it’s only messing with my emotions and ruining my cover. I don’t want him to see how I’m really feeling right now. I don’t want him to rip off the mask I’m wearing, the mask I’ve been wearing for such a long time.

“You do, too. My sister is a lucky girl.”

I really meant that. She’s so lucky. I envy her.

He looked down and then back up at me. He’s doing it again. He’s looking right at me. I don’t know what is going on here, and I don’t know if I want to know what’s going on here.

“Well, she must be getting here at any minute. I’m going back to my seat.”

“Sure, sure.”, he nodded, somehow nervously, “Go ahead. I’ll see you at the reception.”

I smiled, “Sure thing.”

He pulled me on another hug, and he teasingly said in my ear, “You know I’m gonna dance your ass off, right?”

I quickly broke away from him and playfully swatted his chest, “Why won’t you dance with your wife, you playa?”

He laughed, “Girl, you know I love Lily…”

That actually made me cringe.

Auch, it really hurt.

“… but she can’t dance to save her life!”

I played it off by laughing along with him, as truthfully as I could. I guess there was something that I was better than her at. That’s good. But honestly, even if I make it through the entire wedding, I don’t want to be here for the reception and all the sappy speeches.

I stepped away from him and went back to my seat, this time quickly and rather coldly.

I don’t want him to hug me again, I don’t want to hear his soft voice in my ear again, because God knows how much I want to tell him that I love him and have always loved him, ever since we were just two teenagers climbing up trees together and making up silly songs. God only knows how much I want to kiss those lips of his and tell him that if he’ll let me, I’ll be his everything; if he’ll let me, I’ll be his wife, give him all the children he wants, and I’ll live happily ever after with him.

Well, too bad fairytales do not exist.

After I heard the first chord of the organ playing, everything became a blur. I don’t even recall seeing Lily. I didn’t even turn towards her when she walked down the aisle with Daddy by her side. I stood up, like everyone else, but my eyes didn’t leave the ground. I didn’t want my beautiful sister to rub it in my face that she had him and not me. Not that she intentionally would, per se, since she has no idea of my feelings for him, but seeing her all dolled up, in a wedding dress, looking beautiful as ever, with our proud father giving her away, with all the beautiful bridesmaids and carrying her beautiful bouquet of flowers in her hand… all that would be a slap on my face. A big, strong, hurtful slap on my face.

I faintly heard my mother sobbing and sniffling away, like the melodramatic person she is and always has been. My parents are proud of her. They have reasons to. Their little baby is getting married. That’s all they’ve ever wanted.

While I am... alone.

Well, I sure ain’t gonna get married. After I get over Michael – considering that I will actually get over him – there will be no more men. No one. I’m going to become a cat-lady. No, no, I hate cats. I’m going to become… a golden-fish-lady. Now that sounds like me!

The thought of this actually makes me giggle slightly.

I’m so sad.

When I look up at them for the first time, my breath hitches in my throat. I can only see her from the back, but I'm sure she looks gorgeous. The dress is a little too showoff-y for my taste, but, damn, she looks beautiful in it.

But she’s not the one I’m focusing on. He’s smiling so big. He’s smiling hugely and biting his bottom lip, his eyes crinkling with happiness and joy as he stares at her. His eyes never leave her. He only has eyes for her.

My heart began beating faster and faster; my bottom lip began trembling as I started to feel new tears arriving to my eyes, tears that I knew I couldn’t stop.

I don’t know if anyone noticed it. Maybe my actions stopped the whole wedding and everyone stared at me in confusion, or maybe even disapproval. Maybe Michael noticed it. Maybe it hurt him to see his best friend abruptly walking away from his own wedding.

If he only knew why... if he only understood my reasons…

He never will. Oh well.

A sappy movie and a bucket of chocolate ice cream await me.

I couldn't think of a better way to drown my sorrows.