Chapter 30

I wanted to rip the stupid fucking oxygen clamps from my nose, it was annoying the hell out of me. I felt a mix of emotions swimming around in my head and in my stomach and basically all I wanted to do was cry. I felt so frightened of having to go through surgery all over again. I hated the idea of another scar, I hated the idea of going under more anesthetic, taking more medication, not being able to eat or drink for days afterward. I looked down at my new engagement ring that Michael had slipped back on to my finger earlier and felt more tears welling up, and more than anything I didn't want anything bad to happen to me. I loved my life with him far too much to just lie back and let any illness overcome me.

But I didn't get a fucking choice.

I was embarrassed still of anyone seeing me cry, but I couldn't help it. I knew Michael didn't care but it didn't change me feeling so fucking stupid for it. I had broken down in front of him once already, I didn't want to become the silly weak woman who couldn't just suck up her shit and deal with it. I didn't want Michael to leave me alone, but I knew he had a concert to do later that night. It was growing late and I knew he had to get going soon. I was saving up all my tears for that moment. Part of me wanted to be alone, just so I could get all my crying out of my system, but the better half of me didn't want to be left in a foreign place feeling lonely.

"You better go back to the hotel... don't you have sound check?" I asked him.

"Are you nuts?" Michael laughed, looking at me with a surprised expression, "There is no way in the world I am leaving you for a concert!" he exclaimed. "I've cancelled it." He added. Just like that? I wondered... I felt a sense of relief, but also a feeling of guilt. It wasn't just Michael I'd put out, but his brothers, the family, the entourage, the fans...

"Great, now I feel like an asshole." I remarked. "I don't want you to put everything on hold just because of me, Michael, the world can't stop spinning." I said with a frown. "Your fans need you."

"And I need you." He shot back, "So how about you let me worry about the tour."

Well. I could tell when my input wasn't wanted. I thought. I sighed. "Okay fine..."

"I'm going to post-pone it, anyway." He said tried to add very nonchalantly.

I suddenly felt angry. I didn't know why, but something inside of me snapped. I felt so frustrated and trapped in a situation that I didn't want to be in. "Why on earth would you do that?" I demanded to know, "God, you can't just cancel it all because I'm sick! People are fucking counting on you! What can you do here? You're not a doctor, you know, you can't fix me."

Michael sat up and looked at me incredulously. "What's the problem?" He asked, "I care about you. My main concern is being with you..."

"I appreciate that but you can't be here with me twenty-four-seven, you can't just neglect your commitments!"

"I can do whatever the hell I want to do, they can do the tour without me or not at all." He shot back showing as much frustration as I felt. "Why are you so angry with me?" He asked me.

I had no answer. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with my situation. I was scared, devastated really, and I felt so incompetent and helpless. I didn't know why I was making a huge deal, I didn't want Michael to go at all. And I loved him so much but I wanted to tell him that I wanted my Mom and Dad to come. The child in me really needed them. At least if they were there as well, Michael wouldn't have to give up so much of his time for me.

"Jade, I can't pretend to feel exactly what you're feeling -- but I'm afraid as well, okay?" He admitted, "And I don't want anything to happen to you and I've sat here crying and wishing and praying all night for something to change what's happening, but nothing's going to change it. You're sick, and I'm sorry if you want to try to play it down, or push me away emotionally, but I'm not going to let you. I love you so much. You're my fiance, we're going to be married -- this is affecting my life as much as it's affecting yours. It'd be no good for me to go on stage and try to hold a concert because at the moment my brain isn't functioning properly, my head isn't capped on right and all I can think about is you!"

I felt even worse when his eyes spilled over with tears. "I love you, Jade. Don't try to push me away, I'm not going to let you!"

"I'm sorry." I apologised in a small voice.

He shook his head. "Don't apologize... just realise that I care about you." He replied.

"I just hate that this is happening." I complained with a sigh. "I thought I was past all this, that the only thing I'd have to have was one shitty operation within the next few years-- I didn't expect anything like this to happen."

"I understand, sweetheart." He lowered his voice, and took my hand, kissing it gently. "We'll get through this, okay? And if there's anything that you need that I can do, you just tell me..."

I nodded. "Thank you..." I paused, "There is one thing--"

"What is it?" He asked me. I could feel his thumb running softly on the exterior of my hand -- I didn't know why, but I found that to be such a massive comfort to me.

"I want my Mom and Dad here so badly... I know it sounds silly.... but... I need them as much as I need you. You need to let them know what's going on..."

He smiled lightly, "I know that... Mom called them as soon as we came in here last night and they freaked out a little, but we promised to organise flight info and call them as soon as we knew anything more." He explained to me, "And so I called them earlier and they left about an hour ago, actually."

I felt such a sense of relief. I didn't want either of my parents to freak out, but I knew they'd worry a lot. I felt more comfortable knowing that they were on their way. "Thank you. I hope they're not too worried."

"Of course they're worried, but when I called them this morning your Dad seemed okay, he had rationalised the situation and calmed your Mom down, so I guess they're able to relax a little now, but they were anxious to get here." He informed me.

The nurse interrupted us right then by entering my room. She was carrying a box and was smiling broadly. "Mr. Jackson, it seems that a bunch of your fans waiting downstairs... they had this sent up for Jade." Her big brown eyes seemed excited to be in his presence but a little too professional to show it.

"For me?" I nearly choked. Michael was grinning.

"Really? That's so sweet..." He added. "The fans are so thoughtful."

The nurse placed the box on my table. "Would you like me to maneuver your bed so that you can sit up for a little while?" She asked me kindly. Damn, that would have been nice. I nodded, but I was curiously looking at the box. At least it was something to get our mind off things. "How do the fans know you're here?" I asked Michael.

"There was a pretty big scene when we left to go to the hospital." He admitted. "They followed the ambulance-- I don't really remember, we'll have to ask Mom later, but of course you've made national and international news.... apparently!" He giggled.

Man, I was so glad for this -- a distraction, something fun from the fear that we both had encumbering us.

"You know, you've had a barrage of fans since you both came in last night. They've been singing and chanting all morning, actually and the media is going nuts, they've been calling all morning to know what's going on."

Michael rolled his eyes. "That's no surprise. I'm sorry for all the trouble."

She laughed and shook her head. "To be honest, I'm sure no one minds the attention at all. We all want the best for Jade." She smiled at me. I wasn't used to having someone be so lovely just because of who Michael was -- or actually, I wasn't used to benefiting from Michael's status.

"I hope there's not a bomb or something in the box." I joked, "I don't know how fond your fans are of me." I added.

Michael laughed. "Honey, I'm sure they're just as worried about you as we all are."

The nurse fixed my bed and I sat up. It felt a bit better. We waited for her to leave before we opened the box together. It was a filled with cards and letters. I smiled at Michael. "Isn't that sweet?" I asked him.

He was grinning. I opened an envelope and pulled out a hand made card. Michael sat beside me and we read through them together, taking great relief in the distraction from what was really going on. I could see that my baby was getting tired though, his eyes were so blood shot and they looked heavy. I put my arm around him and tousled his hair. I really wanted him to get some sleep but he insisted on not leaving me. I knew he hadn't slept one single wink while I'd been out cold.

"Listen to this..." Michael pointed at another card, showing me the young hand-writing.

"Dear Jade," He began, "We heard that you are not feeling well and we wanted you to get well very soon. We are Melissa and Carla and we are both 13 and we went to the concert on Friday and saw you with Michael and he seems very happy. Please be well soon because we love to see him happy and we don't want you to be sick! We hope that you two will be happy together forever!"

Both Michael and I exchanged smiles. "That's soooo sweet." I remarked. Katherine appeared at the door with a smile and a bag of things.

She seemed so happy to see that I was awake. It was nice to see her as well. Over the past week I had spent a lot of time with Katherine and I had grown to really like her. She was such a lovely woman and I admired her strength and courage that she possessed to put up with such a wank of a husband. "Hi sweetheart..." She gave me a hug and a kiss and immediately I felt that sense of comfort that I knew I would feel when my Mom arrived. It was much different to the type of comfort that I felt from Michael.

"Hi Katherine." I replied, watching her give the same affection to her son.

"You look much better than you did this morning, I have to admit." She confessed, "We were so worried about you."

"Thanks." I didn't really feel like doing the whole doom and gloom thing over again. "I'm feeling a bit better."

"We were just going through some of the cards that fans sent up, Mom, you should see them -- they're all so sweet." Michael quickly interjected, not wanting to kill our lighter mood. She smiled, glancing at the box.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind-- I went in to your suite and picked up some of your pajamas from your suitcase and brought them so you can get out of this hospital gown."

Actually, that sounded awesome. The hospital gown was making me itchy and I knew I'd feel a whole lot better in my own stuff. "Thank you so much." I said gratefully. "This is great..."

"So did you see the doctor this morning?" She wondered, taking a seat.

"We did..." Michael answered for me, "But we'll talk about it a bit later." He added.

"It's okay honey." I told him, patting his hand gently. "Your Mom is just asking..."

Katherine looked from him to me with a look of concern. "I need to have two surgeries, which I assume they'll want to do both at the same time. One is just a regular balloon surgery and the other is an open-heart surgery." I told her as if I had just explained how I'd gotten a stain out of my favourite top. It was the way that I always dealt with the hardest things -- I detached myself completely.

"Open heart..." She gasped, "Jade that's terrible..."

"Yeah Mom, we've already talked about it." I felt bad. I knew Michael didn't want to be thinking about it. He was just as upset as I was and that was understandable, but we were going to have to be putting a lot of thought to it over the next few days. "We're just gonna sit here and go through the cards now." He said a little more firmly.

I gave his Mom an apologetic look. "Do you want me to go outside for a little while?" She asked, obviously feeling like she was intruding.

"No." I said quickly. "Not at all, stay... In fact, you know what?" I turned to Michael, "You haven't had any sleep -- why don't you go back to the hotel and sleep."

"No." He shook his head, "I don't need sleep." He replied irritably.

I smiled, and grazed his cheek with my forehand. "Michael, please just go and get some sleep. Remember you asked me to tell you if I needed anything?"

He looked at me so compassionately and studied me to see if I was serious. "Seriously-- please... I need you to go back to the hotel, have a shower, change out of your grouchy pants and have a nap, even if it's only for a couple of hours."

Michael gave a sigh and put the card that he was holding back in to the box. "Okay."

I exchanged a smile with Katherine. I really could have done with some rest, myself. I was still a bit dizzy and my oxygen levels were all over the place. Katherine was a really relaxing person to have around. I knew she would probably have some profound things to tell me once we were alone. She turned to her son, "You'll need an escort or a decoy car, Michael, it's a media circus down there. Sarah told me that you need to call her to organise that for you when you were ready to leave, so you should go do that."

"K..." He gave his Mom a hug and leaned over to kiss me softly on the lips. I leaned forward as he hugged me tightly and kissed my lips. I felt him trembling a little within his hug -- or maybe that was me. God knows, we both had so much anxiety coursing through us. "I'm not far away, whenever you need me just get them to give me a call..." He told me.

I knew he didn't want to go, he was so reluctant. He lingered over me for a few moments. "Remember what I said, beautiful... you're going to be fine. We're in this together-- and I love you."

I smiled, feeling his warm lips against my forehead. "I love you too." I felt him slip his hand in to mine as he gave it a last squeeze. "Can't wait to be your husband..."

I grinned at him. "Stop delaying... sleep!"

He laughed and let go of my hand. "See you later, Mom..." He stopped at the door, "And by the way just so you know, I don't have grouchy pants on...."

As soon as he had shut the door behind him, Katherine got up. "Maybe you should be lying down, you aren't well, sweetheart."

"I know..." I sighed, I didn't want to ignore the dizziness a second time, but the doctor that had seen me in the morning had told me that it would be normal for me to experience that. The oxygen that was filling my nose was starting to tickle and annoy me. I wanted to take it off, if only for an hour. My breathing was regular but I felt a certain tightness in my chest that was foreign to me. I probably did just need to rest. I let her re-adjust my bed so that I was lying down again. "I hate that I'm here..." I confessed.

"You're in the best place for being sick..." She smiled at me, "Why don't we turn the tv on?"

It was a good idea. It'd take my mind off things. She switched it on for me. "I'm going to stay as long as you'd like me to, so why don't you close your eyes and try to get some sleep?" She suggested. Her voice was soothing and to be honest, I really trusted her judgment. When I was sick, I always listened to the advice and suggestions my mother gave, and I knew Katherine was eight times more experienced at being a mother than my own.

"Thank you..." I told her as I touched her hand, "Michael told me that you were with him all night and that you helped me when he found me-- I really appreciate that Katherine, for being so understanding and accepting of me -- and for putting aside whatever plans you had to sit here and hospital-sit me."

She smiled warmly and kissed my forehead. "Look at how happy you've made my son... and Jade, you're a precious young woman. Anything I can do for you is all my pleasure." She said. And honestly? Her kindness made me want to cry. I thought over all the times I'd screwed people over, been rude to clients, to friends, to people who tried to extend kindness to me without an ulterior motive -- and it made me feel like such a terrible person. Katherine was probably one of the nicest women I'd ever come across, I knew it'd be right to take a few pages from her book.

"Thanks..." I murmured.

"Here... I'll put it on fox...why don't you close your eyes."

"I don't know that I can sleep, I have a lot of things on my mind..." I confessed with a little bit of a sigh.

"I understand that, sweetheart." She said empathetically. "It can't hurt to close your eyes and try though. Maybe concentrate on what's happening on TV."

I smiled and closed my eyes. My stomach was rumbling even though I knew it was impossible to be hungry since I was being fed through the stupid ass tube that was bandaged to the back of my hand. "I'll be here when you wake up..." She added.

I was so glad that through the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I had also gained a couple of new family members that I had began to treasure. I gave a sigh and tried to concentrate on the TV as Katherine had suggested and sure enough I drifted off to sleep.

**

The shower helped massively. I had the water turned on so hard that I could feel it beating down on to my back, probably leaving marks. The steam rising up facilitated my breathing ability. I'd never felt in this much despair. I'd never been so worried or so scared about anyone's wellbeing so long as I had lived. I just wanted to get out of the shower and straight back to the hospital, but I wanted to do what was best for Jade, and that was to be a good support -- I couldn't do that while my heart was pent up with emotions that were dying to come pouring out of me.

It was a warm, sunny day but I just felt so cold. I put on warm pajamas and was just about to climb in to our empty bed when I heard a knock at the door of my suite. I figured it was probably Marlon or Jackie or one of the other brother's coming to find out if everything was okay. I didn't feel much like talking, but I didn't want to be ungrateful. I headed out and opened it up.

I was surprised to find my father there. He was glaring at me with his icy stare that I'd grown so used to averting my eyes from. I didn't have the energy to go through the rigmarole of being worried about what he might think or say. "What?" I asked bluntly.

"You have a concert that starts in 4 hours." He informed me. I rose an eyebrow at him as if he were stupid and you know, for a brief moment, I thought that maybe he hadn't been let in on the news of what had happened to my fiance.

"Pardon me?" I dared him to repeat him. He stepped in to my suite and I reluctantly closed the door behind him. For some reason, fear wasn't a feeling that I was much harboring at that moment.

"That's right, you have a concert, boy." He repeated, looking around the messy suite. "You better be ready."

I choked back a laugh, "You're kidding me, right?" I checked with him. The way he was glaring though, I knew he was very much for real. "There's no show tonight." I told him in a monotone. "I cancelled it. Maybe they forgot to send you the memo." I wasn't in the mood for his shit. My fiance was lying in a fucking hospital bed in a foreign country and the only company she had was me and someone elses' mother that she didn't know all too well.

"Don't you dare get smart with me!" He spoke to me through clenched teeth, pointing his finger in to my chest. "You get your mother fuckin' ass in to that room and you get your shit. You have soundcheck."

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I had enough. I didn't need to take this shit. "You know what?" I said angrily, "Fuck you, Joseph, fuck you and your stupid concerts! That's all you care about, isn't it?" I shot back, "I've had enough of you! You have nothing the fuck to do with this tour anyway. We didn't hire you, you're not our manager, we don't NEED you!" I yelled at him. "Get the fuck out of my room."

I reeled back a bit, I expected him to hit me, something he hadn't done in a couple of years. He didn't though, he looked at me with surprise. "I'm not scared of you anymore." I added angrily, "Right now my girlfriend is in the fucking hospital and has to have open-heart-fucking-surgery and we have no idea if she's going to make it, okay so why don't you go find some other fucking slave child to do your stupid ass concerts, I have more pressing issues to deal with!" I looked him square in the eye with the utmost disgust, "I've had enough this, I've had enough of dealing with my selfish fucking family. I'm canceling the tour."

He said nothing and stared at me. "If you don't have anything civil to say to me then shake your ass on out the fucking door." I said in a softer tone as I sank down in to the nearest couch. I had no idea where the courage to speak to him was coming from, but I was welcoming it. My Dad was a grade-a asswipe and I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and was having difficulty trying to carry it on my own.

My father stood before me, stunned for a few moments. I tried to hold my tears back but they began sliding down my face. Great, the last thing I needed was him thinking that he had got to me.

A very surprising thing happened.

My father sat down next to me. He awkwardly touched my shoulder with his hand. I held my face in my hands, ashamed to be crying so hard in front of someone who had never really, to my recollection, showed me any type of affection or emotional support unless I had performed brilliantly. "I..." He stammered, "I uh... I'm sorry, Michael." He replied awkwardly, "I-- I didn't know how serious it was."

"It's serious." I murmured through my tears. "She could die." I blurted out. Saying those words made it so real, and in fact, I wasn't as optimistic as I had earlier felt. I didn't like the way the doctor had ignored her question when she asked about her fate, and I didn't like how he'd explained the surgery to me. I didn't want a machine to help her breathe, I wanted her to be able to breathe on her own. "There's not a fucking thing I can do..."

My father's support, while taking me off guard, was probably the most meaningful. It was rare that he recognized and empathised with anyone, especially not me. We were from two different worlds, and I knew he was tough because he was trying to do what he thought was right -- but he wasn't right and he needed to see it. He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close toward him. I had never felt such a bevy of emotions. I awkwardly embraced him back. He patted my back, trying to be the source of comfort, telling me that it was going to be okay and that he was sorry.

I had never heard him tell anyone he was sorry, so it was a strange to hear it. I welcomed it though. I needed it. "The doctors know what they're doing, son. You need to trust that."

"It's not fucking fair!" I exclaimed, "Last night I asked her to marry me. Everything was perfect and today everything turned to shit, I feel like I've done something wrong to deserve this. I'd never been more happy." I confessed, wiping my eyes profusely. "Jade didn't hurt anyone, she didn't do anything to anyone..." It was as if I was trying so hard to stress a point that nobody needed to hear me justify. "I need her Dad..." I said softly. It had been eons since I had actually called my father Dad and not by his first name. He didn't seem to mind. "If something bad happens I don't know what I'll do... I'm scared..."

"We won't allow anything bad to happen to your girl, Mike." Joseph promised me, but as much as anyone could say that, it didn't make it anymore true. No one could guarantee anything, the doctor had said so himself.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to regain my composure. It was just going to be one of those nights. Once I opened the floodgates, it was going to be hard to stop the flow of my tears. Exhaustion didn't really help, in fact it probably induced my sadness and desperation. "I haven't slept all night." I admitted, "I don't know that I can. I just want to go back to the hospital to be with her."

"You need to get some sleep." My father said to me. He patted me again on the back, "Boy, you go on to bed. A couple of your brothers wanted to speak to you 'bout the tour, but I'll handle it for you. We can post-pone it until further notice."

I was shocked by just how supportive he was being. I hadn't expected that in a million years. I knew that Jermaine and Tito were both so self-centred that they wouldn't have given a rat’s ass how upset I was, just as long as the show still went ahead -- that's why I was so shocked. "Thanks..." I murmured. I got up, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks." I repeated. "For... this."

He didn't want me to have that gushy moment with him, I could tell, and to be honest, it was too awkward for me to even endure it either. We knew what each of us were feeling, it didn't really need to be articulated in to words. "Could you wake me up at 7:30 tonight." I asked him.

He nodded. It was about 3:30, I figured four hours was enough to rest. He left me to it and I went and fell in to bed, thinking that I wasn't going to get any sleep. However, with tears continuing to fall even though I'd blanked my mind, I pretty much drifted off right away.