Chapter 31

I slept the entire night through and no one woke me up and that pissed me off. I woke up around five in the morning and got up. My eyes felt heavy still and my face felt a little swollen from the crying I had done all night. I jumped out of bed and zipped off to the bathroom to quickly wash up. I wanted to leave for the hospital as quick as I could, I didn't want Jade to wake up without anyone there for her. I was annoyed with my father for not waking me as he had said he would.

I came out of the bathroom and noticed my Dad sitting on the couch, watching TV. I was surprised to find him there. He looked up at me, just as surprised to find me. "Why didn't you wake me up??" I wanted to know. "I told you, 7:30pm, she's probably been lying there all night without me!" I said with an accusatory tone.

Joseph, dressed in the same clothes he'd been in the night before, a black pair of slacks and a dark blue polo, just shook his head. "I called your mother to let you know I was going to let you sleep all night. She stayed with Jade until midnight, but Jade slept most of the afternoon and night anyhow." He informed me, "If you leave now she's still not going to be awake, it's too early."

I was satisfied with the answer. I felt a lot better with the full night's sleep. "Thanks..." I mumbled, going to call the hotel staff for me to organise a car to leave for the hospital.

***

"How is she doing?" I asked a nurse at the nurses station. She glanced at me over her glasses and smiled pleasantly. "Jade Reily." I added, to prompt her. I watched her pick up a clip board and look over it. "Jade is doing okay. We increased her oxygen during the night." She informed me. That meant absolutely nothing to me and it frustrated me that the doctors and nurses expected that everyone knew exactly what they were talking about.

"Is that good or bad?" I wondered out loud.

"It's not the greatest thing, but it's nothing too serious." She assured me, "her oxygen levels got quite low which spurs on the dizziness that she was experiencing and it needs to stay at a certain level or else it's impossible to continue functioning."

Great. I sighed. "What about everything else?" I asked, feeling my mood deflate.

"We don't really know, Mr. Jackson -- the doctor hasn't been in but her stats are fine for now. The Dr. will be in later in the morning." That was no comfort to me.

I thanked her politely and headed in to Jade's room. She was still sleeping and looking pale and weak, possibly more so than the day before. I didn't want to touch her for fear that she'd wake up, and I wanted to make sure she had all the rest that she needed. Her TV was on as background noise. I sank down in to a more comfortable chair that had replaced the hard plastic one and leaned back. I closed my eyes to try to catch some more rest before she woke up.

**

Dr. Cavuoto was a kind guy. I liked him a lot, he seemed to know what he was talking about and was sweet and charming and made both Michael and I feel at ease. He listened to my heart closely with a stethescope from my back and then from the front and took my blood pressure and pulse. I had awoken that morning feeling perpetually out of breath, it was rapid and abnormal and induced palpitations which scared the absolute crap out of me. I didn't want to be passing out or having any kind of silly anxiety attacks.

"How can I get my breathing back to normal?" I asked. It was driving me nuts, as if I had been running a long distance. "I feel like my chest is going to explode." I complained. It was only day two and already I was sick of the place. I wanted to be back at Michael's place in bed if I had the choice. "And for God sake, when will I be able to eat something? My stomach is growling like an idiot."

Dr. Cavuoto laughed, but I was serious. "We'll try you on a couple of different medications throughout the day to help with the breathing. As for the eating, we need you to stay on the IV just in case of an emergency."

Great, I was an emergency case. I pouted. "This sucks." I could see Michael smirk from the corner of my eye so I shot him a glare. "Why don't you try sitting here, wise ass." I shot at him with irate. Apparently that was funny because he started to laugh. Splendid, Dr. Cavuoto joined in too.

"Oh I'm glad that the untimely end of my life is both amusing to you." I added cynically, flopping back down on to the bed. Michael's smirk turned to an immediate frown.

"Would you stop saying things like that?" He replied, "It's hard enough to be positive and I find it really upsetting." A little inch of me felt guilty, but I was annoyed with him for laughing at me. "Well." I retorted, "Don't laugh at me for saying I feel like shit, and that my situation sucks, because it does and I don't think there's anything at all to laugh at." We quarreled like kids.

The Dr. looked on, not even attempting to wipe the look of amusement from our bickering off of his face. Michael looked at me apologetically, and I felt bad for biting his head off.  I was in a shitty mood and I felt the worst I'd ever felt in my life and apparently there was no going up from here. Things were probably about to get a lot worse. Dr. Cavuoto finished checking my stats. "I'm going to order a couple of blood tests, just to make sure everything's as it should be."

Even better.

"Now, Jade... we're going to need to talk about this surgery." He put on a serious face. I hated this part. It scared the shit out of me and I wanted to cry before he even began talking. I wished that my parents were there. Michael was perfect, but there wasn't anything like the comfort of my parents. I could ball myself up in to the little girl that I still was to them. And right now, I would have been perfectly okay with that. "We're going to try to fit you in to theatre on wednesday morning."

Just two days away, I thought with a gulp. "That's so soon..." Michael murmured, as if reading my thoughts.

Dr. Cavuoto nodded, I'm sure he understood our fears. Michael took my hand. "We don't want you to have to stay here any longer than necessary, and this illness is deteriorating you." He told me frankly. What did that mean? I wanted to ask, but deep down I already knew. "The longer we leave it, the more extensive the damage to your heart will be and we don't want that. So if we operate on wednesday morning, tomorrow an anaesthetist will come and see you and explain the procedure in to detail and before you know it, you'll be recovering."

It sounded so simple. He made it sound like cake. It wasn't though. It was complicated and there was going to be nothing easy about having open-heart-surgery. "What's the incision going to be like?" I wanted to know, to prepare myself for yet another ugly scar. I'd just gotten used to accepting my own body, I started to feel okay letting Michael see me naked, and now this... Couldn't wait to have a new one. And fuck, there was nothing more disgusting than a fresh scar.

Dr. Cavuoto pointed from the base of his rib cage and drew a line up to the top, just below the fucking neckline of my shirts. "We'll be as neat about it as we can." He promised me. That was no consolation though. He could be as neat as he wanted and there'd still be a huge gaping mark in the middle of my chest. How attractive.

"Fantastic, that'll look beautiful." I muttered. Shit, I was just in a really, really bad mood. It's not like my body image wasn't suffering enough. "What about recovery, how long do you think it'll take me before I can go home?" I wasn't an idiot. I knew heart surgery took awhile to recover from.

"Three weeks to a month."

"What!" Michael exclaimed, "Why so long?"

"Don't worry, you don't have to stay the whole time." I told him. "You can go whenever you want." for some reason, I was taking a lot of comfort in making Michael feel like shit. I didn't mean it, and I didn't do it purposely, but it just made me feel better to try to push him away. I didn't want him to see me like this and I certainly didn't want to make him go through any of this with me. I knew if he left me now, it would have been easier for me than if he did it later. I didn't want him to see me post-surgery, ugly and altered. I knew I'd be changed physically and probably emotionally. I didn't want him to have to deal with that.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" He replied, stroppily. I ignored him and waited for the doctor to answer.

"We'll need to keep close monitoring on her heart, she'll be in the ICU until she's completely stable and then she'll be running on high dosages of medication until she's able to function without the help of a ventilator, intravenous antibiotics or food."

I felt Michael let go of my hand. "I'm gonna take a walk." He murmured, getting up and leaving me alone with the dr. I was a little bit surprised. I figured he was just pissed off with me, and rightly so. I turned to Dr. Cavuoto, "He doesn't get it." I informed him. "Sorry about that."

He grimaced but nodded. "Well, does that all sound okay to you?" I said a faint yes, even though I wanted to demand that the IV come out of my arm and to grab my shit and leave. He patted my shoulder. "Don't worry too much, sweetheart." I was grateful to his kindness, but all I could think about was what I'd said to upset Michael. "I know you're in a strange place, so your fear of being here has probably heightened, but I mean it with all sincerity that I'll be keeping an extra close eye on you."

"Thanks." I replied gratefully. I wondered if I would have gotten that extra close eye if I wasn't Michael Jackson's fiance. Fiancé.... My mind wandered off as I looked down to my beautiful gold engagement ring that I'd hardly had the time to admire. It was so beautfiul. I felt myself smiling faintly.

"Pathology will probably be in soon."

"Thanks." I repeated. He gave me a kind smile and headed out, promising to come in during a meeting with the anaesthetist in the morning. I exhaled a deep sigh, wishing that Michael would come back so we could have a talk.

**

I couldn't help but feel angry. I was angry with everything. I was angry with the doctors, with being on tour, even with Jade. I hated her attitude and I hate how it felt like she was trying to drive me away, saying things to upset me on purpose. I knew she didn't want to be alone and there was no fucking way I was going to leave her on her own. I hated how she could insinuate that I wanted to go. I didn't care about the time we had to spend there, I just hated that she was going to put out for so long. I hated that she was ill. It made me really sad.

I walked up and down the corridor, pacing, looking for something to take my attention -- a fan, a nurse to talk to, someone to ask me if I wanted coffee. Why was it, when I didn't want to be bothered, everyone approached me? When I was looking for something, a sense of normalcy -- well normalcy for me, a mobbing, a bit of adulation, it wasn’t to be found. I heaved a sigh and stopped by a water cooler to get a drink.

I wanted Jade's parents to arrive so that maybe she'd feel more comfort. It made me feel slightly inadequate that I couldn't completely calm her nervous heart alone. I wanted her to lean on me completely, I wanted to be her pillar of strength but it seemed that she wasn't able to do that. I guess maybe a part of her recognized how difficult of a time I was having dealing with it. I hated that I'd let it on. I didn't want to be stone-hearted and seem like I didn't care, but I also did my best from falling apart in front of her. I'd had my cry the night before, I had my sleep -- I couldn't figure out why I was still finding it so hard to be her rock.

"Is there anything we can help you with?" The nurse from the day before asked me. She gave me a kind smile, a smile that really did me a lot of good at the moment. I smiled faintly back.

I did want them to help me, but it wasn't anything that I was sure they could remedy. How could they fix a heart that was being torn apart piece by piece? How could they make my girlfriend better with a click of the fingers? How could they help us smile the way we had smiled on the night before this had all began? How could they curb my fears and stifle my emotions in front of Jade long enough for her to let me be the one she wanted to lean on? I felt the smile dispersing from my lips as I took my time answering her.

"I should be okay..." My voice trailed off. I bit the inside of my lip to keep me from showing any kind of emotion. I wanted to tear up, let it out again. God, I was such a fucking fairy sometimes. "Thank you..."

"Would you like someone to get you some coffee or tea, or even something to eat? We understand it's impossible for you to just go to the kiosk."

When I thought about food, I realised I was quite hungry. I hadn't eaten at all since Jade had been admitted to the hospital. I'd been drinking cups and cups of water, but no actual solid food. I thought for a moment, "That actually sounds really good..." I murmured. "I haven't really eaten since we brought Jade in here..."

She offered me all kinds of food, but the soup sounded like the best option. I knew it would probably taste like ass, since all hospital food did, but it didn't matter, just anything to increase my energy. I thanked her a second time and watched her leave me to go and get me something. I was most grateful to their help. Jade's ward had been very accommodating and considerate of our situation and I really appreciated it. There had been a complete media ban from the hospital, although we were sure they couldn't exactly keep them out. The media were sneaky, they got around those types of things. People posing as visitors of patients could come right in. There were people who looked at me curiously, some gave me smiles, but thankfully everyone left me alone. I think the world understood that I needed my moment of privacy. It had been reported on the news that I was the one who was rushed to hospital, before they later corrected it. They had some how found out that Jade and I were engaged, and the headlines had been repulsive. On the way to the hospital that morning, I had seen a newspaper on the passenger seat of the car I had arrived in. It was front page news. "JACKSON'S WIFE; DYING!" it made me feel sick, but I wasn't surprised in the least.

The media were sick jerks.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall and was thinking over things. I guess there was no use for my brothers to stick around, they could leave to go home and we'd resume the tour in a few months as soon as Jade was fit again. I thought about the way she had reacted when I mentioned that I would cancel it, the way she had gotten angry with me and wanted me to continue on. Canceling was a hard thing to do when it came to the tour, sometimes the promoters weren't so understanding, contracts were hard to be broken and lawsuits went underway. Our contract stipulated that in the event of an emergency we had the privilege to break out of our contract, however, I don't think that included third party emergencies. I knew it would please Jade if I didn't cancel it, and it would please our fans too. I figured that I'd post-pone until further notice and give a statement in the hope that everyone would understand.

I felt a hand touch the calf of my leg and immediately I sat up, wondering what on earth....

A smile adorned my lips as a child stood before me with her huge bright blue eyes staring at me curiously. She had to be no older than three years old. She was steadying herself on my leg, having just fallen down. She looked a little intimidated until I held out my hand to help her back up. She had a sweet cherub face, rosy-red cheeks and sand-white hair that was tied up into pig tails. "I falled down." She explained, dusting off her hands in a clumsy way. Her cute baby accent made me laugh. And God, it felt good to laugh genuinely.

"Up you get then..." I picked her up and set her back on to her feet. She was dressed in a pink tracksuit and was wearing a mismatching pair of shiny black shoes. She was such a little princess. It made me think of having my own children, I hoped to have a very rich future with Jade, and I wasn't thinking monetary value. "Are you alright, did you hurt yourself?"

She shook her head. "Where's your Mommy?" I asked, looking around for someone to claim her. The little girl looked around and pointed to a room. "There.......I fink."

I laughed again. She was precious. "Does she know you're out here?" I wondered, thinking that her mother must have been worried if she couldn't find her beautiful little girl. She never answered me.

"Come on, how about I take you back to her? She's probably wondering where you got to!" I lifted her up and balanced her on my hip and walked toward the room she had pointed to. The door was left open, so I stepped inside and knocked softly. The little girl encircled her arms around my neck and stared at me, which I found to be a little bit funny. "You look different." She told me.

Well, that was certainly a new one. I thought with a smile. For some reason, anything that sounded even slightly critical could be written off without a second thought from a child, but if an adult said the same thing to me, I would have taken a lot of offense. Something hit me hard when I poked my head in to the ward. I choked up when I saw a woman lying in bed, her eyes closed, a tube very different to the one that had been facilitating Jade the previous day, helping her to breathe -- it was a ventilator.  I felt a sense of shock and awkwardness. There were monitors and tubes coming in and out of everywhere. There was a man beside her bed, holding her hand, looking forlorn and utterly devastated.

I couldn't help but to think the worst. The man looked up, a little stunned to see me there. He glanced to his daughter who had gone quiet. There was something to be said about children with sixth senses. "Sorry to interrupt." I said very quietly. "Your daughter... she was in the hall..."

He apologised profusely, I could see that his eyes were empty, as if someone had stolen the soul out of him. I felt so sad, as if I had just seen what could possibly happen to Jade. "Samantha, sweetheart, you need to keep still... what did I ask you..." He said in a low, almost inaudible, emotionless tone.

"Sorry Daddy." She murmured, assuming a sad pout.

I wanted to offer to keep his daughter company while he was having some time with his wife, but who the hell in their right mind would let an adult male stranger hang out with their baby girl. I wanted to say something, anything to offer my condolences, but I'd been so shocked. Little Samantha hopped down from me and went to join her Dad.

"I'm sorry." Her father said to me, "And thank you."

I'm sorry too, I wanted to say, but I couldn't. I gave him a forced smile and left them to it.

***

It felt good to eat something. I felt the last spoonful of hot soup sliding down my throat and felt satisfied and refreshed. I was so grateful to the nurse, Kerry, she told me her name was, for fixing it for me. It also didn't taste too shabby, but I assumed that anything would have tasted like heaven after having not eaten properly in almost two days. I had spent at least an hour or two in the corridor just sitting alone with my thoughts. I wanted to give Jade some space to calm down and I needed some time alone just to relax a little and let everything kind of sink in. So far it'd been too much too soon and I hadn't really gotten a lot of time to process anything. Everything had come at us so intensely.

I put the plastic bowl that I had been eating from in to the trash and threw away the disposable spoon. I sat for a moment and gave myself a little pep talk before heading back in to Jade's room.

***

I was experiencing chest pains and felt dizziness that didn't seem to be going away. I had been crying a little and felt so shitty. I was scared, there was no doubt about it. The pathologist had taken blood and I'd been such a baby about it, I was sure the she'd thought I was a loser. I was glad to see Michael returning after a little while. He walked right in and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "I'm sorry." I murmured. "I didn't mean to upset you before." It was an apology I knew that I owed him.

He smiled at me lightly, "That's okay, beautiful. We both just needed some space to think." He replied. It was half true. I needed some conscious time away from him to realise how much I needed him and how stupid it was to keep pulling myself away. I was lying down flat on my back, and breathing heavily. "I wish I could take you home and make everything okay..." He said in his soft, sweet tone. "And I wish I could be a better support to you, that I could kiss all your fear away, baby, but this kinda threw me off guard as well, but just tell me what I can do so that I can comfort you and I'll do it..."

I felt so bad. "You're perfect as you are... it's just hard for me." I said to him. I found myself speaking in fragments trying to expel words, it all felt like so much fucking effort. I felt so invalid. "I love you."

He sat on my bed, beside me, hovering over me. He studied me, so worried, so sad... He drew lines on my hairline with his fingertips, trying his hardest to keep from crying. I could tell. "I'm worried about your breathing..." He confessed, "It's not normal for you to be breathing like that... I wish I could stop this..." He paused to kiss me again. "God..."

I drew in a deep breath. "I'm scared, Michael." I told him as my face crumpled in to tears. "I'm so scared that I'm going to die." I let go of my tears in a couple of short breaths, but then felt all of them coming undone. The grief that he showed within his expression was torturing me, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I reached up a shaky hand and encircled my arm around his neck. He helped me up so that he could hug me tightly. He didn't say anything. We both knew that there wasn't anything that could be said to curb those fears. They were valid and they were possible fears, so no amount of him contradicting them would make the thought go away.

"I'm scared too, sweetheart." He replied, running his fingers through my disheveled hair. It hadn't been brushed in two days. Oh God, and I hadn't even bathed. Poor Michael. Everything about me felt so fucking pathetic at that moment. "But we need to have faith that you're going to be okay. We need to look at this as a test of the strength of our relationship, okay?" He told me, smoothing down my hair, wiping the tears from my eyes. His own eyes looked to be glassy, but he was holding back. "We'll get through this..." he added shakily.

**

My parents arrived by about four in the afternoon and it was the most emotional reunion that I'd ever had. Both Mom and Dad cried and embraced me and then embraced Michael and then I left it to him to explain everything that had happened because I was far too breathless to go through it all. Their reactions had surprised me, they both seemed calm and collected, but I figured that it had a lot to do with the fact that they'd spent the entire plane trip rationalising and imagining the absolute worst case scenario.

My Mom was a soldier when it came to my hospital visits. She knew all the right people to speak to, she knew how to get things done, how to make sure I was comfortable and perfect and my Dad was great at cheering both Michael and I up. He had always been the comedy relief for me when things were going badly and apparently it worked for Michael as well. They were both exhausted from their flight home so Michael suggested that they go and get some rest and come back in the morning. Mom seemed okay with that as well, but Dad seemed a little reluctant.

"Do you want to tell her?" He asked my Mom, giving her a little nudge.

Mom looked at him curiously for a moment, her green eyes burned in to his. "Oh!" She exclaimed, just catching on. She gave him a small smile. "You can tell her if you'd like."

"While you were off deciding to get married, your Mom and I made a big decision as well."

"What's that..."

Mom showed picked up Dad's hand and showed me that he was again wearing his wedding ring. I widened my eyes, "You guys are getting back together?" I looked to Michael and smiled. "They're getting back together..." I wanted to be more excited, I really did, but I was too tired. Michael interlaced his fingers with mine and shared my happiness. "That's brilliant. Congratulations." He remarked.

"Thanks." Mom replied, "We've been talking about it for awhile, it's probably been a little bit obvious." Although I had noticed Mom and Dad were spending a lot of time together again, I never really expected that they'd ever get back together properly, but it pleased me and gave me something to feel good about.

"Congratulations to you both as well." Dad added. "Your ring has been blinding me since I walked in."

I managed a weak laugh as I examined it again closely. It was a bit blurry since I was on a high dose of meds, but I already knew it was beautiful. Michael and I exchanged smiles as Mom and Dad got ready to leave. Michael had insisted that he wasn't going anywhere tonight.

**

A nurse came in to read Jade's stats around midnight. She'd been dozing on and off while I'd been watching television, trying to numb my brain a little and ignore how rapid her breathing was. It was beginning to worry me as it was getting worse. She'd had problems even speaking full sentences before she'd resigned herself to complete rest. The nurse frowned as she took Jade's pulse, causing her to stir a little.

"Everything okay?" I wondered. The nurse looked at me a little surprised that I was awake, as if she hadn't even noticed me. I always wondered if a time in my life would come when a person would see straight through me and not respond to the fact that I was Michael bloody Jackson -- and I wished for that moment with so much fervor when I wanted to be left alone. But at that moment? I wished for once that my status was more important than my girlfriend's health - for that would have meant she wasn't in as serious condition as she was. Shit, I hated this reality. I just wanted it to be a bad nightmare. She grimaced a little, ignoring my question and writing something down on the chart. I thought that perhaps she didn't hear so I repeated myself.

"I'm just going to go and make sure." She replied as she rushed out of the room. I sat up in my chair and waited for her to return. There was only a small dim light in the room but from where I was sitting, it looked like Jade was still sleeping. The nurse came back a few minutes later and removed the small clamps that were filling her nasal passages with oxygen, she then took the ventilation mask from the tap at the wall behind her and slipped it over Jade's face.

Jade opened her eyes and looked around a little disorientated. She murmured something in a soft voice. I stood up, and scooted by her side to show her that I was still there.

"Relax..." The nurse told her in a gentle voice, but I wasn't so convinced. "It's just to help you breathe." My heart was now beating rapidly. Jade looked to me, I knew she was fearful of what was going on. "Close your eyes and just try to go back to sleep." She turned the oxygen tap on so that the air flowed through more rapidly.

"Michael..." Jade whispered in a barely audible tone, as if she hadn't even seen me. 

"I'm right here baby." I told her, caressing her face. "Are you feeling okay?" I wanted to know. She shook her head. I looked at the nurse. She couldn't even bloody talk. "What's going on?"

"We're waiting on Dr. Cavuoto." She replied, "It may be nothing to worry about, but we're sending for him just in case. We just want to have him check on her." She told me.

There were always those moments in life where time seemed to stop. The entire world around seemed to blur away; sound, vision, everything except what you're thinking and feeling on the inside and anything else just as important as your own life. For me at that moment I could hear my heart pulsating hard and loud in my ear. I could only think and hear what was going on with Jade, but everything else wasn't there. Or at least, it didn't matter. At those moments, our gut instincts were always right. I knew for a fact that when Jade had fallen asleep she had been weak and tired, but I knew that she wasn’t by the way she was struggling to expel any words from her mouth, the way she was breathing sharply, almost gasping that she was not okay -- that something had happened in the span of a few hours to change her condition.

Although through the day her condition seemed to be deteriorating, but it was to be expected, Dr. Cavuoto had warned us, but to this extent? And this rapidly? I felt my throat dry up.

"Isn't there another Dr. that can see her right now?" I wanted to know. "She's getting worse, can't you make someone see her now?" I realised that I was growing a little bit demanding and high-strung, but I didn't care. Nothing was going to stand in the way of Jade's health.

"Mr. Jackson, it's really okay. Dr. Cavuoto is just on his way up from downstairs and the oxygen mask will sustain her until he arrives. Please just sit down and relax. He'll be here any second." I looked to the heart monitors that we had just really tuned out by now and realized that the zig-zags seemed more jagged, shorter and the beeping was more rapid.

I didn't have a choice but to leave it up to the professionals. "Jadey, can you hear me?" I whispered.

She made a noise in a soft voice, but I couldn't understand it. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "I'm not going to leave you okay?"

She gave my hand a squeeze back, but didn't try to say anything. It was the weakest squeeze I'd ever felt.

Dr. Cavuoto appeared a few minutes later. He turned on the overhead light. Jade's eyes remained closed. I squeezed her hand again and felt a faint squeeze back, which remained our signal. He opened Jade's eyes to check inside of her pupils. She flickered them a little but she was so faint. He listened to her heart and glanced at me, who was staring wide-eyed and frightened for a moment as he listened.

I felt like I was losing her. "Is she okay?" I asked. Shit, I must have asked him about 10 times in the span of a few minutes and I wasn't even sure if he'd answered once.

He put his stethoscope over his neck and turned to me. "She's going to need that operation sooner rather than later, Mr. Jackson. Her condition is deteriorating much quicker than we expected. If we don't perform the surgery immediately she's likely to go in to congestive heart failure." He told me very frankly. "Because of the VSD I have a suspicion that oxygen is getting in to her bloodstream which is very dangerous. I'd like to prep her for surgery now." He turned to a nurse, leaving me reeling. "I'd like you to get on the phone to Dr. Vincent Coenack from cardiology. Tell him that I'll need his assistance in surgery in about a half an hour and I need Ms. Reily, here, to be prepped."

The nurse took his orders to the nurses station outside of the room. 

"If she has the surgery, she's going to be okay, isn't she?" I wanted to know. My voice was cracking with trepidation. I glanced back at my beautiful pale wife-to-be lying in front of me. This can't be happening... All I could think of, was that I didn't even get the chance to tell her that I loved her.

Dr. Cavuoto nodded, but he had a solemn expression. "Yes. But there are the risks that we talked about, but we're going to do our absolute best to ensure that she makes a full recovery."

"I want some kind of guarantee." I said, holding her hand between mine, rubbing the exterior of it, hoping that she could feel it. She had stopped responding to my hand squeezes. "Can you guarantee me that she'll be okay?"

"Mr. Jackson when it comes to open-heart surgery there can be no absolute 100% guarantees." He was blunt but kind to me. But it stung and so did the tears that were forming in my eyes.

He checked Jade's pulse again as another nurse came in to help them prep her. He checked her eyes again. "She's lost consciousness, but keep her oxygen up and we'll give you a call when we're ready for her." He added. "Mr. Jackson, I've got to go downstairs to get ready to operate. I promise you Jade will receive the best of care."

I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks. "I love you." I told her. "Jade, I love you, sweetheart, please don't leave me..."

The nurse asked me to leave the room while they prepped her for surgery. I had to go call her parents. I had to call mine. I didn't want to go through with this. I watched them wheel Jade out of the ward. I placed one last kiss upon her head and prayed that it wouldn't be the last. I was allowed to go down with them until they got to the operating theatre. Dr. Cavuoto came out one last time to see me. He gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "I'm a very experienced heart-surgeon." he informed me, "It'll be fine."

I said nothing but watched them, distraught, as they wheeled Jade in to theatre. A nurse escorted me to the waiting room. I sat down on a seat and held my face in my hands. How the hell did all this happen in the span of an hour? How did Jade go from smiles in the afternoon to unconscious at night? My mother and father arrived pretty much at the same time Jade's parents did. I had to try to function enough to tell them what was going on. Maureen, Jade's Mom began to cry in to John's chest. I felt nothing. I was so numb, emotionless, devoid. My Mom and Dad sat on either side of me, neither saying a word.

First meeting with the inlaws -- what a party.

I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away and no matter how many times I swallowed it didn't go. I didn't cry at all. I sat, wide awake, just staring for what felt like hours. I heard every single sound that was made. A pin could have dropped and I would have alerted to it. My Mom tried to talk to me, but I couldn't concentrate on a single word that came from her mouth. Eventually she pulled me toward her and hugged me close. I couldn't allow myself to hug her back, to express myself in any shape or form.

John, Jade's Dad made short conversation with both my Mother and Father, but it was all so forced and forlorn. We waited hour by hour. By six am, I was sitting on the blue carpet by Mom's feet with my head resting on her knees as she stroked my hair and I watched the clock. The longer it took, the more numb I became.

I wasn't sure how much longer of this torture I was able to take.