Chapter 29

We got back to the hotel and went right up to our room without any hassles. The problem was, though, that I felt like I was being suffocated. I sat down on the couch in our suite that overlooked the beautiful city and tried to get some air. "Do you want some air on?" Michael asked me, noticing that I was perspiring a little. I nodded.

"Baby, what's wrong?." He asked again, sitting down beside me. "I'm concerned, you're all pale again." He was so worried, I could see in his eyes. I couldn't lie anymore, and the pain was getting pretty bad.

"I don't feel good..." I confessed, as I closed my eyes and leaned back on to the couch. "I'm sorry." I apologized. "I just need to sit down for a few minutes, I'm sure I'll be okay."

He immediately sat down beside him. "Maybe I better get Sarah to call a doctor..." He suggested, "Just to be on the safe side. Do you feel like you want to puke or is it something else?"

It was hard for me to articulate the way I was feeling. I wanted to vomit from being so woozy, but I didn't know why I was having so much difficulty breathing. I didn't want him to see me gasping for air, though, it would have freaked him right out. Shit, it was freaking me right out. "No, Michael-" I touched his arm. I hated doctors, I didn't want to see one. I thought about how crap I had felt days before and how it had passed after I rested. "I have a bit of a chest pain and I'm feeling just a little dizzy -- kinda just like I felt back in Bangkok, but I'll just get in to my pajamas and lay down. I'll be fine."

He wasn't convinced. "Chest pains? Jade, I'm calling Sarah." He told me seriously.

I breathed a sigh, "Michael, no." I repeated. "I'm oh-kay."

He studied me, looking distressed as though he were unsure whether to ignore me and call a doctor anyway, or just let me be. "If you don't feel better in thirty minutes, I'm calling her, okay?" He bargained with me as I battled to get up to go to our room to get changed. I nodded in agreement.

I pulled on the same pajama pants that I'd worn the night before because they were closest to my reach. I sat down on the bed for a second as I felt like my airways were completely closing and everything kind of got a bit hazy as the dizziness I'd been suffering seemed to just consume me completely.

**

I had no fucking clue what to do. I was out of my mind. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. "Jade!" I yelled, upon hearing soft thud. I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that proved to me that what I had suspected had happened, really did. My heart was somewhere in my throat, possibly my brain, it was like they were pummelling each other back and forth over what to do. I wanted to shake her and wake her up and lose it completely, but I needed to be sensible and act fast.

"Jade!" I called again, trying to see if she was conscious. I quickly and as carefully as I could moved her body out, so that she was lying on her back. I tried to remember what I had read to do a hundred times, but it was so hard because my heart was screaming at me to react. I finally turned her head to the side before jumping up and calling front desk. No one friggin' knew what the emergency numbers were in these damn fucking countries, I thought as each of my heartbeats pulsated throughout my body. "I need a paramedic!" I told the person who answered in a voice that sounded too calm for the way that I felt. "Please..." The person on the other end tried to ask for more information, "Please just call someone now..." My voice shook and I felt as though I were about to break down altogether.

"Jade..." I begged her, as I knelt beside her thin, pale frame. Something had happened... this was serious. I felt like such a fucking douche for not listening to my instincts when I knew something was wrong. I put my forefinger to her neck to check that she had a pulse. I didn't know what was wrong. She was breathing, but it seemed shallow. She was blue around the mouth and I knew enough to know it was related to oxygen.

How could you have been so fucking stupid? I blamed myself angrily. Her parents, oh god, her parents would never forgive me.... I silently prayed for her to be okay, for it to be something not-so serious. I ran my hand along her arm. "Baby... please.. please wake up...." My face crumpled as though a fresh wave of tears were about to flow, but nothing came. I was in a state of absolute panick and every action that I made seemed to come out sluggish. I went to get a damp cloth and I put it over her head. She was showing absolutely no signs of waking up, though. She didn't respond at all to me, which scared me.

I felt angry and upset with myself for letting it happen. I took her out in the cold, the flying without a break to Thailand, the illnesses that we both ignored. It was my fault. I felt my eyes welling up as I kissed her forehead. "You're going to be okay..." I said softly. "Don't leave me, okay?"

I got up and flung the door of my suite open. I ran straight down the hall and began hammering on the doors of my brothers and my Mom, or anyone really, I needed help. "Call a fucking paramedic!" I screamed at a security guard who was patrolling our floor. Jackie was first out of his room.

"What's going on?" He wanted to know, poking his head of the door, agitated by my interruption. He'd clearly been sleeping. "Mike, what's going on?"

"It's Jade... Call an ambulance or something... Why won't anyone fucking help me!" I screamed again. Mom appeared next to me. I turned to her, my face crumpling again, this time the tears fell, "Mom, it's Jade, do something!" I pleaded with her. She looked at me puzzled before realizing that something was dreadfully wrong. Jackie followed.

When we returned to my room we were met by hotel staff who were informing us that the paramedics were on their way. My mother, thanking the good grace of God was a trained nurse. She went to Jade's side. "What happened?" She asked me. I was finding it hard to function, everything surrounding me had become a blur of actions. It seemed like I had been sucked in to a strange vortex where everything that was happening was background noise and I could only clearly hear what I was saying to myself, interiorly.

"Michael!" Mom snapped, "What happened, I need to know!"

"She was breathing really heavily, like she was tired and I don't know..." I stammered, "She went to get changed because she wasn't feeling great and she collapsed." I caught sight of the engagement ring on her finger and the tears freely began to flow. I caressed her forehead, slinking back in to the vortex and ignored everyone.

"You're going to be okay..." I soothed her as if she could hear me while the commotion carried on without me. I smoothed the pale skin on her face and prayed for her to open her eyes. A first aid paramedic arrived just minutes later, thank God. I didn't know exactly what had been going on, or what my actions had been like -- but I knew I had been yelling at everyone to make the ambulance arrive faster. I felt sick and scared and regret and fear... God, the emotions that coursed through me were ones that I never ever wanted to have been encumbered with.

"Make her wake up!" I told the paramedic. They made me move away from her. I remembered protesting and my mother pulling me away, convincing me that I needed to.

"Do something!" I repeated probably more often than need be. I watched them move as though they were in fucking slow motion. It frustrated the fucking hell out of me. I wanted to just make them work faster, but I couldn't. They slipped an oxygen mask over Jade's face. Progress, I thought.

The paramedics asked me about her condition and for the fucking life of me, I couldn't remember the name of her heart condition. I tried feebly to explain what it was, but I think I'd just confused them. I explained briefly about how she'd complained of dizziness and a chest pain. They took her stats and inserted an IV drip in to her arm. "Okay." Said a female paramedic. "Has she been suffering this for awhile?"

"Just for maybe a week... but only sporadically." I paused, thinking that perhaps she'd been feeling that way for awhile but had been keeping it from me. I thought about her weight loss and her quick constant fatigue. "Well, that I knew about... is she going to be okay?" I asked impatiently. I stood beside her bed, leaning right over her. Mom tried to pull me back, but I flinched away.

"Mr. Jackson, you're going to need to stand back and give us some room." Said the female as the other paramedic took her pulse and tried to assess the situation.

"Let's go." He told her with a sudden tone of urgency, "she needs to get to the hospital."

I followed after them hastily down the hall. I was getting in that ambulance and going with them. There was no way in this fucking world I was going to let my angel leave me now.

**

I gave Mom the phone number of Maureen and John. I needed them to know what was going on before they started reporting something on the news. I was selfishly glad that I wasn't the one to make the call. I sat idle in a cold hard plastic chair, wondering how the night had gone so abhorrently wrong. I kept going over and over the what-ifs while the doctors worked to figure out what was wrong with her.

All I knew was that they were operating...maybe?

In the ambulance they had inserted a tube down her throat to facilitate her breathing as there'd been a shortage of oxygen --or something. To be honest, I wasn't having an easy time processing anything that they had been informing me. I just wanted her to be okay, I wasn't interested in how they made it happen. Mom came back to join me after contacting her parents. She sat down beside me, touching my shoulder, "Don't worry sweetheart, she's in the best of hands now." She tried to comfort me. It was no consolation though.

"I want to know why this happened..." I heard my own voice deliver from my mouth. I turned to her and eyed her. "Mom, I proposed to her tonight-- everything was perfect... what if something really bad happens?" I wiped the tears as immediately as they fell. "I don't want to lose her, I don't want anything to happen to her..." My eyes were hollow, soulless almost, I felt numb to my very core. Each time the doctor came out, I felt a sense of panic that there was going to be terrible news. Mom did her best, but nothing could make me feel better. She just embraced me and let me cry it out.

We must have been sitting for hours. I was tired of how many times someone offered me coffee. At one point a reporter managed to get in, I bluntly told him to fuck off. I felt heavily sedated by bewilderment over what was going on. My eyes were heavy and nothing felt real. I stared at my hands in my lap, paced the room tapped things -- I was driving myself insane.

"Michael, maybe you need some rest." I looked up to find Marlon speaking to me. I wondered if he'd been there all along, only I hadn't noticed. I laughed at the thought. I didn't know why, it wasn't really all that funny. Shit maybe I was going a little bit insane.

After a little while a surgeon came out and sat down next to me in the empty seat. Marlon and Mom had gone to get some coffee for us. I felt myself growing a little more worried. He pulled off his surgical mask and gave me an encouraging smile.

He introduced himself formally and glanced a clipboard. "You're Mr. Jackson, I take it."

I chuckled feebly, when all I wanted to do, really was to vomit and expend all of the bad feelings that were inside of me. I was so sick with guilt and fear and god, I just wished it would end. "Jade's your fiance?"

I nodded. I closed my eyes in despair as I thought about how our beautiful night had turned. Well, I thought, earlier I had talked to her about having a memorable engagement and wedding day -- I certainly wasn't going to forget this fucker so long as I lived. "As of tonight..." I murmured.

The surgeon smiled. "Congratulations then." Yeah, why don't I have a fucking party, I thought angrily. I was scared of asking any questions because I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear the answers.

I gave a soft sigh and turned to him. "How is she?" And cut the bullshit. I wanted to add.

"We didn't do anything too drastic." He told me. I felt that he seemed genuine. He didn't want to pull any punches with me but he didn't want to make me feel completely shit, either. "We just wanted to stabalise her condition until we got in contact with her specialist back home."

"I don't understand..." I murmured, "I don't know what's going on exactly... no one has told me... and if they have, then they haven't explained it properly." I complained aware that I was growing teary. "I just..." I paused to gain my composure, "I want to know that she's going to be okay."

He gave me an apologetic look. "Okay, I'll explain to you a little better..." I felt glad that he was a lot warmer than some of the other doctors had been. A lot of them noticed me as a celebrity and obviously went out of their way not to act different, but in an unconscious way, it made them less approachable and harder for me to deal with. This was the one time in my life where I would have appreciated ass kissing and everyone running to me to ask what I wanted and needed. "Jade suffers from heart complications as you already know--"

I nodded dumbly and glanced up briefly to notice that my Mom and brother had arrived back. Mom sat beside me and listened in as well.

"VSD is the one that we're acutely aware of. We are concerned that she has another complication that we call coarctation of the aorta." He may as well have been speaking freaking Arabic, because I had no idea what it meant. "Technically speaking this could be immediately fixed. Coarctation is when the aorta has narrowed. This type of illness is diagnosed usually in children, but sometimes it can be overlooked -- do you know if Jade has ever had to have corrective surgery for this illness in the past?"

I shook my head and shrugged, "I don't think so... but, I can't be sure." I answered honestly. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me when he told me her condition could be fixed, although I felt that there was a 'but' coming along.

"Okay, well -- this thing can be corrected by balloon surgery, it's not really that big of a deal." He replied. I had no idea what balloon surgery was, but if it was no big deal, then I expected him to run along and do it. "My main concern right now is the bands that were used during her surgery as a child for VSD have collapsed. Normally we remove them anyway..."

I remembered Jade telling me during one of our first dates about surgery that she had had to correct her heart defect. I nodded, understanding. If they had to be removed, then I didn't understand what the problem was. "She still needs them." He answered my question without me having to ask. I let out a sigh and leaned back in to the agonising chair. "That was what was causing the pain, the problems breathing and the coarctation wasn't helping her situation at all. She lost consciousness, and her oxygen flow wasn't the greatest, but we've stabalised that."

I wiped my wet eyes. I felt like it was headed for a positive ending. Mom took my hand and squeezed it tightly. I was so thankful that she was there. "Is she awake?"

"Well no. We anesthetised her and performed a cardiac catheterization, do you know what that is?" He asked. I wanted to commend him for being so patient with me. I was a man who'd lost his marbles, or maybe just his beautiful fiance. I appreciated his warmth and patience more than anyone could have known. I said no. He explained that it was a small-time surgery where he injected a dye into an artery to check the hearts pumping, the valves and the blood flow. He also assured me that Jade would have been very familiar with the procedure, which for some reason made me feel a bit better. "So at the moment she's in the intensive care unit, but we only allow direct family members."

"Okay, okay." I quickly agreed. I let go of my Mom's hand and jumped up. I wanted to go to her, right then, right that second.

"Jade also won't be able to do any traveling until this is corrected." He told me regretfully. I didn't care. Fuck the tour, it was as good as finished. I'd postpone, I'd cancel. I didn't give a shit. "In fact, the traveling was probably the reason for spurring this on as quickly as it did." Great, way to make me feel like an asshole.

"Okay." I said again. He let me follow him down a hall. People stared at me, but I didn't care. For once in my life I didn't feel bad about ignoring fans. I didn't feel bad about snubbing someone completely. We walked in to a silent and morbid room. A communal ward full of patients that weren't even conscious. I walked with heavy steps toward Jade's bed. My heart skipped a beat as I felt all kinds of emotions. She was wired up good and proper. I noticed that her ring was missing and immediately I wanted to cry. "Where's her ring?" I whispered to the surgeon.

"We had to remove all of her jewelery for surgery." He explained, "So when you leave here, you can go to the nurses station and she can tell you where Jade's things were put." I was satisfied with that answer. I sat down in a chair beside her bed. The bars had been raised up around her. I reached between the rails and touched her hand. I rested my head upon the cold metal encasement. She looked so pale, so ragged. A tube remained in her throat to help her breathe and she was hooked up to heart monitors. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I let the tears flow until they wouldn't flow anymore.

The surgeon had told me that it wouldn't take her very long to wake up, although she wasn't really able to talk. I stayed there until daybreak, caressing her hand, praying, wishing that she would be okay. I felt her grasp on my hand in the early hours of the morning and I knew that she had awoken.

"Jade..." I breathed quietly. I looked to her and saw that her eyes were open to narrow slits. She was trying to focus on something, anything. She looked at me and then to her surroundings. I knew that she was disorientated, but I was too choked up to explain anything to her right away. I grasped her hand within both of mine.

She tried to speak but it came out as a gurgled noise. She actually gagged on the tube. "Baby, you're in the hospital." I informed her. "Don't try to speak, just relax and rest." I advised her. I stood over her, smoothing down her hair. She looked to me with her lifeless, sunken eyes with a certain unfamiliarity that made me feel almost traumatised, as if this whole thing wasn't bad enough.

I kissed her forehead. "You just had a minor surgery so get some rest, okay?"

She nodded very sluggishly. I heard her make a whimper sound and it actually broke my fucking heart. I knew there was probably an element of fear within her that she wasn't okay or that she was scared of what had happened. "You're going to be fine, angel." I promised her. "Close your eyes." I instructed her. "I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise I won't leave you...."

She didn't really need any convincing. She closed her eyes again. I took my place back upon the seat. "You're going to be just fine..." I said in a whisper that probably was more of a consolation to myself rather than her.

I felt a little relief as I re-resumed my position, my head against the metal rails. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

**

By lunch time the following day Jade had pepped up and was fully conscious again, although she was weak and still sickly. The anesthetic had worn off and she was alert. The doctor had promised that he would remove her oxygen tube and put her on the regular oxygen clamp through her nose and we waited patiently. I had a concert that night, but I was going to cancel it. I was too exhausted to function and too worried to even think about anything else.

I had called Jade's parents once she'd left the intensive care unit and had Sarah organise flights so they could immediately come to be with us. I was so afraid that they'd be angry with me or would blame me, but they weren't interested in placing blame, just making sure she was okay. Mom had tried to get me to go back to our hotel to get some rest, but I couldn't leave her. Marlon offered to stay with her, but I just didn't want to go. I promised her that I wasn't going to leave her and I stood by that. Mom and Marlon had left me to go back and rest. They'd been with me all night.

She kept clearing her throat all morning, as if she was trying to get rid of the tube. I could tell that it was irritating her. A new doctor appeared in the late afternoon with a smile. "How are we doing?" He asked us both. He introduced himself to me, "I'm Dr. Cavuoto, I'll be looking after you while you're here." He said, turning his attention to Jade. "Firstly I'll get a nurse in to take this tube out."

I gave Jade a smile of encouragement. She just stared dumbly at us both. I felt really sorry for her. I knew she must have felt like shit. I wondered how he was going to go about that. I wondered if she would be put out to take the tube out, or if it was something he'd do while she was conscious. Apparently my question was about to be answered. He put on a pair of plastic latex gloves and sat Jade's bed up. "On the count of three, take a deep breath and hold it, okay?" He instructed her.

She nodded and I saw her reach for my hand. I felt so ridiculously helpless. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I knew she had to be scared despite how much she'd already been through. "You'll feel a tickle, but it's not too bad." He warned her and counted to three. She took the breath and held it. She gagged a little as he pulled a tube from her throat. Dr. Cavuoto smiled at her, "There we go... your throat will probably be a little dry but it's nothing to be concerned about."

"Does it feel better without that gone?" I asked her, smoothing back her hair. She had glassy eyes and I knew she just wanted to cry.

"Yeah..." She murmured in a croaky voice. I realised it was the first word that she had spoken to me since she'd arrived from theatre besides the nodding and shaking of her head to my crappy yes or no questions. She cleared her throat a few times. She clenched my hand tightly. I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, but I figured it was something I should save for our private conversations.

She wasn't able to eat or drink anything and was being fed by the IV incase of any emergencies. "We've spoken to your specialist back home--" He told us both, taking a seat next to her on her bed.

"What's wrong with me?" She asked, "Am I going to die?" She asked bluntly with a certain coldness within her tone that I hadn't heard in such a long time.

"You're not going to die, Jade. Don't be silly." I said very defensively. "Don't talk like that."

She glanced at me a little guiltily. I knew she felt immediately bad for saying it. It was typically Jade though, ask the worst case scenario incase it was possible, that way she wouldn't be let down if bad news came. Unfortunately I was an optimist at all times which was probably my worst fault in this case.

Dr. Cavuoto raised his eyebrow, seeming surprised by her attitude. "We're going to see to it that you get through this safely." He very matter-of-factly. It struck me as odd that he didn't completely contradict her question. Neither of us said a word but just wanted the doctor to get to the point. "So I had a telephone meeting earlier with your specialist and I shared with her my observations of your condition and we've both come to the mutual decision that you're going to need to have two types of surgery."

I felt a lump forming in my throat but I didn't flinch. Jade avoided the eyes of the doctor. My heart began beating so much faster and I knew my palms were growing clammy.

"For what?" I asked. "You said to me last night that the surgery for the aorta would be simple stuff, right?" I added.

Dr. Cavouto nodded, "Are you aware of what balloon surgery is, Jade?" He asked. She nodded. "I don't." I interjected. The Dr. proceeded to explain to me that it was a simple surgery where a balloon was inflated and deflated in order to widen an artery. In Jade's case it was going to be her aorta. "Of course there are risks as with every heart surgery." He informed us.

"You told me it was a simple surgery." I protested, furrowing my brows. "What type of risks?"

"Michael, it's fine..." Jade said to me, "There's risks in every surgery, they have to say that even if it's routine." She informed me. I exhaled deeply and sat back on the hard chair. "So what's the other one?" She wanted to know, turning her attention back to the doctor.

"The next one is more complicated." He began. "From the tests we've done we recognized the surgery that you had for your VSD." He shared, "And the bands that were once there have since collapsed, and normally we remove them or new tissue grows over it so but for some reason that didn't happen. This indicated that you need new bands since the condition hasn't seemed to lessen in severity."

Jade had no response. She didn't look at either of us. I felt shitty. "Is it a serious surgery?" I dared to ask.

The Dr. glanced at me solemnly. He wasn't about to lie, I knew that. "It's open-heart." He then explained the difference. Open heart surgery was when the bloodstream was diverted through a fucking machine. My knees were weak and I felt my jaw set in a hard line. I wanted just to walk right out of that room and put my fist through the wall. I was so angry with the situation. I said nothing but nodded.

"Would you both like some privacy?" The doctor asked, knowing that we were both having problems processing the information we had just been given.

"Please." I murmured. A thousand things were zipping through my mind. I wondered why on earth it had to be her... why not me? Anyone but her... she didn't deserve this.

"Sure. I'll come back and see you tomorrow morning and we'll get things organised -- if you have any questions I'll be happy to answer them."

"Can I just go home and have this surgery?" Jade blurted out, along with a half-sob. My heart was slowly being torn to pieces and the most frustrating thing about it all was that there was not a damn thing I could do.

"We're not entirely sure that you're heart could endure the pressure of a flight. It'd be highly dangerous and we wouldn't be fully equipped to handle the repercussions, should something happen on the way home." Dr. Cavuoto replied. "I'm sorry." He patted her hand. "But Jade, you're in safe hands here." He promised her.

She didn't seem so convinced and quite frankly, I wasn't either. He left us to it. There was silence between us for a few moments. I scooted as close as I could to her, sitting on her bed. She allowed me as much room as she could without me knocking any of the monitors. It was a tight squeeze, but I managed to inch beside her comfortably when I laid on my side. We were lying close, and I knew at any moment she was about to break down. I felt like I was going to as well, but I felt like I had to be strong for her and vent on my own time. I studied her face for some kind of reaction and caressed her hair. I wanted to say something comforting but no matter what I said, nothing was about to make her feel better.

"I'm so sorry Michael..." She said softly. "For all of this..."

I raised my eyebrow, "Girl, what are you apologizing for?" I wanted to know, almost laughing with disbelief. "This isn't your fault at all..." I comforted her, searching her eyes for emotion. She looked away, breaking our contact.

"I ruined our night, our trip..." She breathed. I shook my head to protest. "Don't be silly, Jade. The trip isn't that important, and our night was still the most special night of my life and I hope yours too..."

She nodded. "Have you been here all night?" She wanted to know. "I remembered seeing you when I woke up this morning..."

I smiled, glad that I could have been there. "Of course I was here. I promised you that I wouldn't leave, and I haven't."

"You must be tired..." She remarked, tracing my hairline with her fingers. I shook my head, even though I was lying. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I was sure, however, that if I closed my eyes I still wouldn't be able to sleep. I watched a tear trickle from her eye and then quickly followed by another and another. She quickly wiped them away and apologized. "It's okay." I whispered. "You don't have to pretend to brave, sweetheart." I kissed her forehead, "You're not going to go through this alone..."

I guess they were the only words she needed to hear. She leaned her forehead against my shoulders and held on to my arm and let the tears flow unbridled. I put an arm around her and rubbed her back soothingly. "You're allowed to be afraid..." I consoled her. "But you're going to be completely fine, this is just a bump in the road. We're both in this together."

"I feel like I'm being punished..." She confessed, wiping her eyes, "Each time something is going good, something bad happens and everything turns to shit."

I felt my eyes welling up but I blinked back my tears. I wasn't about to let her see me break down either. I didn't want her to know just how frightened I was. "You're not being punished." I told her firmly. "You haven't done a single thing to deserve this, baby, I promise." I wanted to tell her that her parents were their way but I needed her to calm down a little. I decided to just let her cry it out.