"what the hell are you talking about, dumbass? it's sheryl."

i approach the door hesitantly and squint into the miniscule glass peephole. it's her, alright. once she spots my eye in the looking glass, she gestures openly with two cokes in each hand. a knowing smile appears on her face. 

inside, our bottles crack open and hiss.

"you missed all the fun." sheryl complains next to me.  she doesn't stop prying when i don't answer. "how's the london girls? do they ride it better, or what?"

i pretend i don't hear that. "sheryl, we've been through this. it's none of your business." i chug the sizzling, candy-sweet soda. it feels like a cheap souvenir of whatever fun i had missed out on. "you know that after nine o'clock you can only call on the phone or go through my agents."

 sheryl's lips mirror my own lips verbatim. 

i smile against my will. "well? what is it?"

"i just wanted to talk to you, boss." sheryl places her coke next to my painkillers on my nightstand. she takes notice of something, and then she slowly grasps my small, black notebook. "i remember this!" she mumbles, suddenly giddy.

my heart almost stopped. 

"wait," i start to say, but she's already flipping through the pages.

she falls into the spot right beside me, showing teeth. i fail to take it out of her hands. sheryl's not grinning anymore. she saw it, and she read all of it.

"you wrote this?" sheryl closes the book and tosses it away to me. "so, you really do have feelings for her don't you?"

my whole face might as well be a tomato. "what are you here for tonight?"

sheryl doesn't move a muscle for a long moment. "us."

i continue to face the floor. "what about us?"

"michael, i want you." sheryl voices timidly. her blonde ringlets fall limply over her face. "can't you just, stop being such a dumbass and see that?"

she can't be serious about this. we had broken up months ago. i was just curious about love then, but i didn't know love could be so magical until i met tatiana.

sheryl shuts her eyes and shakes her head slowly. "so, what is it? is it because i'm not pretty or 'graceful' like she is? is it because i'm not black enough for you?" sheryl's lips curl ruefully at the ceiling.

"don't be ridiculous!" i cut in. i finish the rest of my coke, but it's tasteless now. i feel her hand on my face.

"she doesn't deserve you, baby."

it's obvious in sheryl's eyes how much she wants to hold me, like how she used to, lose her fingers in my hair, and make me so infatuated with her lips that i wouldn't remember my name anymore.

but, she doesn't. 

some time later, sheryl is curled next to me, sound asleep. i shake out some sleeping pills and dump them into my mouth. her hair, like a pillow of hay under my cheek, is the last thing i remember.